The Journey From zero to two

This week we have Lauren from @miskatwins sharing her story of her first IUI. She has a wonderful blog with more stories of her life with twins so click here to read more.

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We had successfully completed our first round of IUI! YES! I got the phone call I had been waiting for – you know, the one where they tell you that all the blood being drawn and early morning ultrasounds were worth it? 

It said, “Hi Lauren, your bloodwork results came back and you are pregnant but the numbers are lower than what we would want to see at this point. Please come back in two days to make sure the numbers have increased.”

Wait, what?

What does that mean? Do I still give my husband the cute little onesie as a gift? Do I lie to him and say they never called – he will be worried with that information. No, I tell him the truth and we figure it out together. Right?

I got home and told him. He was so excited. We went out to dinner to celebrate but deep in my heart I knew this journey wasn’t over. After we went to dinner to celebrate our new baby I felt anxious instead of excited. I knew in my heart that the voicemail I received wasn’t a promising one. So, I started to do what anyone does and turned to my trusty friend google (no I never learn from my previous lessons). I started googling “low hCG numbers” and “BETA numbers early in pregnancy” hoping that others had gone through this. Trusty google gave me that shimmer of false hope I was desperately hoping for. I found that some moms had extremely low hCG levels in the beginning. They all end their posts with a beautiful picture of a drool covered baby saying “now look at my perfect little human!” and “don’t worry, numbers are just numbers!”

OKAY! This is not as bad as I had thought!!

I went into work Friday as if nothing was wrong. I put all of my energy into teaching my lessons and loving my 17 students who could always pinpoint when “Mrs. Miska was tired”- {First graders have an amazing ability to simplify life. They remind you that your emotions are not well hidden and truly have an impact on everyone around you. If you are happy- it is felt. If you are mad- it is felt. If you are “tired” it is felt. No matter how well adults try to hide their feelings- emotional energy is something that cannot be completely hidden.}

ANYWHOO!

I was excited for the weekend because we had plans all day Saturday and Sunday. Saturday I was going to get up and head to bloodwork. Then go to help set up an event for my Education Association.Then quickly get ready and head to a Kenny Chesney concert with my family. Sunday wake up, walk to breakfast in town. Take our dog to the dog park and relax until dinner.

I left work and wished the night away so I could go and get blood drawn (weird for someone who is terrified of needles). My husband and I talked about how my family would know right away that I was pregnant if I wasn’t drinking anything at the concert. So we decided we would tell them all at the concert. We talked about how excited they would be. We talked about how we would tell his family after. We had it all mapped out.

I woke up that morning and basically ran out the door. I gave my blood and drove straight to the education association event. There I helped set up tables and games in preparation for the association. I thought to myself as I set up the tables, “Should I be lifting these tables? Will this hurt the baby in anyway?”I quickly shrugged the idea off and just kept rolling and lifting the 8 person round tables for all the kids to sit at.

After my job was done I ran home and hopped in the shower. As I got out I saw a missed call. I listened to it by myself in the bathroom because I wanted to officially tell my husband the good news and give him his “father to be gift” I had hidden away.

Instead I heard:

“Hi Lauren, I wish we hadn’t gotten your voicemail for this message. But your hCG levels reflect that you were pregnant but lost the pregnancy. I am so sorry to have to leave this on your voicemail. Please call us back and tell us when you get your period so we can take more bloodwork. Talk soon.”

You know that scene from mean girls when the teacher says, “Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it, ok, promise?” I used to think that when two people had sex without some form of birth control they would end up with a baby. Like BOOM! sex=baby. Anyone else? Or was that just me?

Well for me (little did I know) that would not be the case. I had a miscarriage. Or, as the doctors like to call it a “chemical pregnancy”. I had to tell my husband that morning and if I am being honest I didn’t do it in the best way possible. 

For anyone who knows me I am TERRIBLE at being sad. It is crazy how I can feel something inside and be completely unable to show sadness to the outside world. I feel it. Yet, somehow I make a conscious choice in my mind to make the situation less sad by not showing people. Does that make sense to anyone?

Either way I decided to downplay the incredibly emotional moment and say “Well the nurse called and said the numbers have gone down to basically nothing. So I guess that means I am not pregnant. Well at least we can go to the concert and I can have a beer! Let me go finish getting ready.”

I ran upstairs and secretly cried in the bathroom while I assumed my husband was packing the car for the concert. Little did I know that we were both being sad apart when we should have been being sad together. I was stupid and naive to think that this event wouldn’t hurt my husband the way it was hurting me.  <— #newmarriageprobs

By the time I came downstairs we were in a fight during a time when we truly needed each other the most. He was mad at me for not caring about a baby we just lost. I was mad at him for being mad at me while secretly grieving the loss of a baby (you follow?). It was all a big mess.
I had to call my family and tell them we couldn’t come to the concert. I lied and said I had strep throat. They called, face-timed, texted and I had to put on my cheeriest (fake sick) act that I could muster up. In reality I was drowning in the news of a miscarriage and a husband who would was mad at me.

Mum, dad and twin boys

{Reflecting on these moments while sharing a room with two very busy 10 month old boys, it is hard to think of a life without them in it. Our next round of IUI was a major success. The type of success that lands you in the doctor’s office getting an ultrasound, while being asked, “And how many babies did we see last time?” ← that type of wild, crazy, twin life success!

We may have lost our first baby, but my goodness do I cherish my two little boys everyday. I never imagined my life with twins. I never imagined my life with boys. Yet, here I am with twin boys who are my everything. One has crazy amazing hair that stands up in a million directions. He is inquisitive and has a smile that could melt your heart. The other has my mom’s blue eyes and the most handsome dark red hair. He is our daredevil, loving and a HUGE Momma’s boy. 

Our journey towards becoming a twin family was not easy by any means. There were tears, heartache, hopelessness and even fights but I know it was all worth it. I would never trade being a twin mom for anything. For those of you out there who get the comments, “Better you than me!” or “Good luck, you’ll need it” I am here to tell you that those people just never experienced the incredible amount of love twins bring into your lives- sometimes even when you need it most.}

Mum, dad, twin boys sitting by a tent reading,

Thank you so much Lauren for letting me share your story on Just4twins 🙂

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